Avène Thermal Spring Water Review
What They Say: “A naturally soothing source for sensitive skin since 1743, Avène Thermal Spring Water’s unique composition is clinically shown by over 150 studies to calm, soothe and soften the skin. Ideal for red, sensitive or irritated skin and perfect for post-workout, travel, outdoor activities or to freshen up makeup.”
What We Say: This is not a necessary purchase.
The Review: I’m sorry, this is just a ridiculous thing. Part of me is like: There are people who like parasols, there are people who think contouring is a makeup technique worth exploring—there is a whole world of people who do not like things exactly the way that you do, and those things include carrying around a small bottle of water not for drinking but to spray on oneself every once in a while, and we should all be free to enjoy these things. But the other part of me is This is utterly dumb.
Every summer for a week or so (#climatechange) Paris gets well into the upper-90s, and you’ll start seeing bottles of Avène spring water show up on café tables. (I am convinced that the water-owners are uniformly American, but I cannot prove this.) Just in case! Just in case you’re so hot you actually need to spray yourself with water to cool down. Now here’s the thing: Last week, it was 98 degrees in Paris, and I kept this bottle next to me for 12 hours straight—just to see how the other half lived. When I was hot, I sprayed myself. I had walked 16 miles the day before (don’t ask, I have no idea), and some of the skin on my leg was irritated from chafing against the seam of my jeans, so I sprayed that. I worked out, and sprayed myself. I misted myself regularly.
BUY IT HERE: AVENE THERMAL SPRING WATER: $9
Here is what I found: At least over the course of a half-day’s application, Avène Thermal Spring Water did not soothe my irritated skin. It made it wet, which seemed to irritate it even more, until it dried. Avène Thermal Spring Water did nothing except deposit water on to my skin, which promptly dried. If there was a moment’s satisfaction in the moment when the cool water hit my hot skin, I do not remember it, which is to say it was less satisfying than the bowl of acai and granola I had earlier that morning, because I do remember that, and it was delicious.
The one thing I will say is that the nozzle design is amazing. I used to work next to someone who would have loved Avène Thermal Spring Water. She was the sort of person who absolutely did need to mist herself on the regular, but all she had was, like, a plant spritzer filled with water. Every once in a while she would spray me from her desk (she was. so. fun!) and it reminded me of the worst little kid on the street, and his water gun. This was not like that: The spray was immensely fine. It was like walking into the sweetest, finest, coolest mist you can imagine. That part was wonderful.
Here is the thing: Generally I don’t think people should review things they categorically don’t like. Like, if you don’t enjoy death metal, do not be a death metal critic. What I am saying is that I am, categorically, against the category of spring-water misters, because if you are really that hot, either get take a shower or go to a water park. That said, within the category of spring-water misters, Avène must offer one of the best, because the nozzle design is basically space age. So if you’re going to carry around a spring-water mister, carry this one. But don’t.
Grades: Nozzle design: A+. Parisianness: A+. The concept of spring-water misters: F-. Overall: B-
Buy It Again? Nope
Further Reading: “A Skin Obsessive’s Secret Weapon” (Elle)
